CROP DUSTING:
when farting,you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesent know where it came from. be careful when you do this. so not stop until the full fart has been expelled. walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

FLY BY:
the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in and check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again. be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE:
a fart that slips out while taking a leak or forcing a poop. this usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrasment. if you releas an ESCAPEE,do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not happen. if you are standing next to the farter pretend you did not hear it. no one likes an escapee. it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

JAILBREAK:
when forcing a poop,several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. this is usually a side affect of diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen,do not panic. remain on the toilet until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the akwardness of what just occoured

COURTESY FLUSH:
the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. this reduces the amount of time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. this can help avoid doing the WALK OF SHAME

WALK OF SHAME:
walking from the stall,to the sink,to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with farts,it is best to pretend the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. you will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or a magazine under their arm. always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
a group of co-workers that band togeather to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can help you to moniter the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS,and identify SAFE HAVENS

SAFE HAVENS:
a seldom used bathrooom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. try floor that are predominantly of the opposite sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLER:
someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. if this occurs,remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLER leaves. this way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact

CAMO-COUGH
a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,or to alert potential TURD BURGLERS. very effective when used with an ASTAIRE

ASTAIRE:
a subtile toe tap that is used to alert potential TURD-BURGLERS that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear an ASTAIRE,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace

WATERMELON:
a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an embarrasing incident. if you feel a WATERMELON coming on,create a diversion. see CAMO-COUGH

HAVANAOMELET:
a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. try using a camo-cough with an ASTAIRE

UNCLE TED:
a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. an UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. this benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees